Came back from my trip and fell right back into life. No yoga, no egg white omelets and blueberries, no balance between reading, resting, organizing and just breathing. I still wasn't eating cookies all day (okay, I did one day), but fell right back into the trap of burning the candle at both ends. I wish I could say the trip made it almost okay, but honestly, the worst was yet to come.
My body started just telling me enough, you can only go at such a pace for so long. I got sick, I got tired, I hurt my neck trying to get a 20 lb baby in a carrier into the car. Birthday parties and family outings were scheduled of what seemed like every moment of our days. Innocuous enough, but put together with trying to take care of two children put me so close to a panic attack on a regular basis. Add that to the end of the summer blues where my kids and I were so sick of looking at only each other all day that we had to call daddy home from work one day, it got ugly.
Needless to say, keeping a happy marriage is the last thing on your mind at this time and the most convenient person to take all your stress out upon is your husband. Things got ugly.
I began to question everything about my life. Not only did I really want to stay home, but why did I have kids in the first place? Did I want to stay married? This is so hard, the hardest thing I have ever done, yet hiring more help was still not the answer for me. I couldn't find a solution.
I say this in complete honesty because I hate when people just say everything is great and mask that sometimes life is just hard. I also write with honesty about how hard it got because I am sure that is the reason why I feel so wonderful now. If you don't have some bad times, you never really appreciate the good.
And then things got good. Really really good.
A couple things happened at the same time that turned the tide.
My son went back to school. Not just going to school, I get to drop him off in carpool. When you have a 20 lb child to get in and out of the car just to drop off and pick up your son at school for 3 hours, this is a huge huge wonderful convenience. She takes her morning nap, I drop him off without leaving the car, and I've started trying to find reasons to stop at Starbucks. We have structure, we have plans, we have lunches to pack and places to be and I love every minute of it.
My daughter started sitting up. This means I get to take her to the grocery store and sit in a cart, she can spit up and burp herself, and keep herself entertained while I do things around the house. She is so fun and lovely and joyful. I think I'll keep her after all.
My husband and I have really communicated and worked on our marriage. Date nights where I am getting dressed up, having wine and just enjoying being us again. I truly feel that we are making our marriage so strong by getting through these tough times instead of just 'being'.
I fit into my old jeans. Let's face it, that's what this blog is about. I feel amazing. I had lost motivation because I was so close to my goal yet so far from having the lifestyle to allow me to eat better and exercise with more structure.
I have been keeping a daily journal of diet and exercise and may start doing it here. I lost the drive but I didn't gain any weight during this time. I just kept doing what I was doing.
Since I have returned from the depths of the earth, I am ready now to take on a new step and challenge. I am not pressuring myself because I still find myself trying to do this at 6 months whereas I did it at one year with my first child.
I started with a big trip to the grocery store. Buying fresh fruits and veggies, organic, natural snacks for the kids and lean meats. With this little face leading the way.
**note: I've added a daily log and stages page to help me keep track****