Interesting

This trip has been slightly different than in the past. We'll let the subtle changes in service and focus of the resort wait until later. In terms of me, and my goals and meeting my goals, it's been a little different as well.

The reason for this trip is to refocus my life. After the birth of a child you give every moment, thought and breath to your child. At least I do since I refuse to get more help than I have already. One can only continue that pace for so long before losing focus on themselves. This trip is to remember that the better place I am in, the better I am for my children.

I am having a hard time relaxing this trip. Despite all efforts of the pools, ice cold towels placed on my eyes as I lounge in the spa, the massage and the serene environment. I cannot find that place I am so desperate to reach. Maybe I am forcing it too much. Maybe I still cannot get over the reason why I need this trip in the first place.

The treatment my husband is getting at home is striking. Since day one with my first child my belief has been that we are parents together. These are OUR children, not just mine, and anything I can do, he can do. I will never understand the mentality of the mother only giving bottles, making rules, doing bedtime routines. I may do it more efficiently and set the schedules because I do it more often, but I should always have the flexibity of walking out of the house at any moment in time and not having to give instructions as if my husband is a babysitter.

My husband in turn, is great at taking care of our children, full capable and makes decisions without having to consult me.

So why is it, when he has them for not even one full day by himself during the course of 3 1/2 days, has he received 4 phone calls to see how he is doing? one offer to pick up my son for dinner one night? and the offer of my parents to come up after taking my daughter for the night and feed and bath her again to give him a break?

Having the spectacular husband I have, even he commented to me "why doesn't anyone ever call you to see how you are doing?"

And that is why I need this trip. For 6 months straight I have done what he will never, ever do for one full day. Physically and emotionally he will never experience what I do. I used to think he needed to. Then I realized, that is okay, he doesn't have to experience it as long as he understands.

As long as he understands why I need a trip like this.

Writing this has helped a little. As a stay at home mom you can feel very alone, isolated and completely, utterly, absolutely underappreciated. A trip like this makes me feel like I matter again. Like my health and well being do matter again.

Thank goodness I have a husband that understands all this, even if no one else does.

Day 2

After a full nights rest my internal alarm woke me at 5:30 am. Perfect. Without a roomate I am able to turn on all the lights, tv, open the shades and begin my day. I watch the news, eat my Lara bar (because a zone bar just sounds so gross, ha!) and lounge for a while then head down for my sunrise workout.

20 minutes on the treadmill as the sun comes up over the ocean. Feeling so much better than yesterday I decide on 20 minutes of 'the monster'. The stepmill machine that, no matter how many years I have attempted it, is always hard. Interrupted halfway by a text from my husband saying how the baby slept great but son was up all night. Stating that they are both pretty tired and have a medical question for me...I'm still a mom no matter how far I go right?
With that solved I head back to finish the monster. Abs and then stretching in the open room overlooking the ocean for yoga.

I do my own version of yoga. I listen to Sophie B. and Jack Johnson and speed it up a bit. It's not exactly the meditative, calming state that I suppose I could use, but it's a start.

Starting to get hungry but there is too much more to get in before breakfast. I head to the Spa. Alternating between the Herbal Lanconium and the Igloo with mists of menthol I try to relax and get in a zen state. Not quite there yet but enjoying myself nonetheless.

After showering in their fully stocked showers I finally head to breakfast. Egg white omelet with feta cheese, spinach and mushrooms, potatoes and fruit. All for the low low cost of 370 calories. I took a picture but cannot upload them yet. Again, the amount of food you get when it's veggies and healthy choices is enough to leave a little on the plate (yes, I did).

Pool time. It's great. I don't want to complain, it's great. However..... one of the biggest draws to coming here is the no cell phone and no child policy. Both of which are really not being enforced on this trip. I am starting to notice very subtle changes that perhaps a bad economy is forcing. You can't be picky about who your guests are anymore.

I have my lunch by the pool, a grass fed all beef hot dog, coleslaw with a side of artichoke fries (in place of the bun). 300 calories. With water. I do have a goal afterall....

I am full but not stuffed. I am learning portion size. I am savoring every bite of food because 1) I have time to do so and 2) it is good food. You notice good fresh food. You taste good fresh food. Think about that, when was the last time you really TASTED just another hamburger or piece of pizza? Well...those can be good too at times...

One square of dark chocolate and I am back in my room for a nap before round two. On deck tonight is another workout, massage, dinner and maybe candelight stretching class.

If I can stay awake that long.

You Know You're Tired When...

..you are too tired to go to meditation class.

I am in my utopia. This is no ordinary vacation. This would not be considered an induldgent treat to some, but to me, it is pure heaven. I would love to write the background, the essence, the meaning for me behind this trip, but I am too tired. Instead I will describe my day and it will be obious why I come here to finish one chapter and begin the new one.

Upon arrival at 10 am, I sit am a handed a tote bag with the best reusable water bottle ever. I am handed a cup of flavored, non caffinated, sugar free tea. I am shown to my room. Clean, crisp lines with natural wood and blue tiles that make me think of the ocean. The ocean that is right outside my window. A fully functional kitchen, living room, bedroom and bath the size of my son's playroom with a vanity. My playroom for the next 3 days. Although a vanity is really unnecessary considering this is a place where makeup is a waste of luggage space.

This is not a frilly, overdecorated, stuffy kind of room. It is not the Ritz. That is why I love it so much. Although still comfortable, this room (this hotel) means business. While the rock gardens, fountains and outdoor seated areas are gorgous, they are meant to be enjoyed while in your workout clothes. They have a no children and no cell phone rule. Exactly why I come here.

I head to the pool that overlooks the ocean in my new white bikini. My thoughts when packing it where "who cares, I don't know anyone there." But I must admit I felt great in it. After making sure my stomach had plenty of sunscreen applied (since it had not seen sunlight for 1 1/2 years), I order lunch. The menu is a clean eating, calorie conscious, gluten free person's dream. Next to each item is the calories/fat/carb/protein breakdown. When they tell you the specials, they tell you in calories, not dollar amounts. Heaven for someone who is looking to reaquiant their eyeballs for what a healthy portion means.

After a very hard and long day yesterday, and a very long morning of travel, I opt for the mango mojito and fish tostada with a side of fruit. Everything in the drink is organic and natrually sweetened and the tostada is a huge portion (for 200 calories). It's amazing what 200 calories looks like when it is all fresh herbs, fish, fruits and veggies. I took a picture-it was beautiful.

The water was perfect but after only being away for a couple hours I still had to try hard to get out of mommy mode. It took me a while to realize I could jump in the pool and get my hair wet because I was able to shower whenever I wanted. What a concept. After lounging by the pool and admittedly getting too tired to continue, I head upstairs for a nap. A nap that is interrupted by the housekeeping because I had requested the batteries in my scale be replaced. Yes, in this place you want to weigh yourself AFTER the vacation.

I head to the gym for my 20 minute run. I try. I am overlooking the ocean on the treadmill, I have my great song, I have my red bull (bought at Publix, they would never sell such blasphamy here). I couldn't do it. I finally just got so tired I couldn't even go one more step. So I head out to the grassy area overlooking the ocean and do yoga. Listening to my new favorite girl power song "Just the way you are" over and over.

Then shower. Then manicure and pedicure. Then more wonderful tea. Pure indulgent heaven right there.

Head to dinner only to find out I am too early for them to start serving. Go ahead and make me feel like an early bird senior why don't you? I head to the gift store to browse the fancy dark chocolate bars, crystals and books on healing, meditaion and health.

Then dinner....Although my goal is to teach my body how to be content with meals at about 500 calories or less...I could not help myself. Gluten free bread to start (really!), a glass of wine, devils on horseback (dates filled with goat cheese wrapped in bacon), diver scallops over a corn risotto. Then...dessert...a gluten free cranberry cookie with vanilla ice cream. Now, the portions are small (the ice cream was the size of a melon ball scoop) but I am stuffed and don't plan to go all out for the rest of my trip.

Stuffed and tired. It is now 7:42 pm and I am about to retire for the night. My 3 year old is still up. I hope tomorrow to have a renewed sense of energy to enjoy some of the 30 classes a day that they offer.

If not, that's okay too. If I just sleep for the next 3 days I think this vacation will already be classified as a success.

It's weird being here by myself. Completely necessary but weird. I miss my husband dearly. Yes, I guess the kids too because that's what I am supposed to say, but I really miss my husband.

I guess that is what he would consider success.

(PICTURES) 5 MONTHS LATER..

5 months later......

Diet

Subtle changes are happening. As I feel better about myself, I am paying closer attention to what goes in my body. I am reaching and craving smarter choices. This is another phase of the plan. I really don't believe you make dietary with your mind. You cannot tell your body what it wants and force it to eat salads all day then lose your mind the next time you are in the presence of a cookie. Your body has to want to make smarter choices as well. If you change your diet slowly, it will.

Since I am still getting the comments such as "oh, you did a diet meal delivery system right?" and the "you must be working out forever", I figure I will just lay it all out. If they still continue to disbelieve, oh well.


Here are a few typical days over the past 5 months:
gluten free pancakes with turkey sausage
zone bar
grilled chicken, broccoli, homemade fries, slice of cheese, coke
protein shake (scoop of protein powder with water)
1 slice gf bread, 1 slice cheese, turkey, handful nuts

or

zone bar
chicken salad (with mayo), fruit, coke, Lindt or Godiva Truffle
protein shake, nuts
Mcdonalds small fry, one cheeseburger (no bun), coke

As I am feeling better (and spending money on my trainer), it's transitioning to this:

corn flakes, skim milk, small box of raisins, protein scoop with water
zone bar/coke
chicken breast, cheese, nuts, annies gf bunnies
chicken burger patty (slider size), slice of cheddar, sauteed zucchini with parm. cheese, spinach with carrots/tomatoes and ranch
couple bites of gf cookie cake before I threw the rest (a lot) away
(at least there are some veggies entering the picture)

I did eat an entire package of gluten free bakery cookies this weekend. It was fabulous and a rare treat. For someone who never thought they would eat bakery treats and haven't in 7 years, it was worth the wait!

Then the Clouds Parted

This has been a tough week to say the least. That last post was only about 3 hours of a day that only got worse from there. Honestly, for the past 5 months days like that are the norm. Was is not normal is me not being able to handle them and move forward. But we all have our boiling points don't we? I could not have reached mine at a more perfect time. This is the week I leave for my trip. I haven't even written about it because I haven't even had a moment to think or daydream about it. This trip represents a turning point in my journey which I will discuss as it gets closer. Coming out on the other side of a very tough week, I have made some observations.....

This morning I went for a run outside. Something I have not done for a month. It was humid, about to rain and I am beyond exhausted. I talked myself into it thinking the fresh air would be good for me. It would help clear my head and part the clouds that have been behind my eyes for so long.

I ran the route down Peachtree Road through Buckhead where I ran my very first mile, and my very first 20 miler. I have run these streets for (gasp!) 12 years. As my feet hit the familiar pavement I knew every crack and bump by heart. What was new were my surroundings. I used to run by bars like Buckhead Saloon and LuLu's Bait Shack that I had left just hours prior to my run. Those bars and their familiar smells have been replaced with wine bars and Hermes. The sadness and nostalgia for those familiar surroundings hit me hard. What hit me harder was the fact that life moves on. We are constantly changing and evolving creatures. You can stay and relive in the memories of dancing at Buckhead Saloon, or you can change with your surroundings and grow and adapt and window shop in that Hermes.

Deep thoughts, but these thoughts can be applicable to many things currently going on in my life:

1) The Body: We constantly need to re-evaluate where we are and where we want to be. I have tried lots of programs and plans. Most of them have worked for me at the time despite their differences. It just depends on where you are and what your goal is.

My goal for the past 5 months was to stay sane and get 20 mins/day for myself. The goal now will be weight loss. I need to change. I cannot just keep doing what is familiar (running) and easy (20 mins) for my body. As I get stronger, fitter and lighter, I need to make new challenges.

2) The Mind: I realized this week that relaxation, meditation and yoga are all my form of a 'diet'. I always say "I'll start doing it on Monday." I never do. This trip is usually a finishing step for my transformation. I was not physically or mentally prepared for this trip before this week. I didn't plan that, I planned the trip on the only day I could get someone to watch my kids, but funny how things work out. I find myself saying "after my trip, I will take the time to focus on the mental aspect."

I decided not to wait. Part of my transformation to my best life includes yoga, being aware of your surroundings, learning how to relax, being closer to loved ones, opening your eyes and making the most of each day instead of letting the days just happen to you.

It's hard to do this when your head is clouded from your day to day tasks. What fun is raising a family and having someone you love next to you if you are not going to take the time to appreciate it?

I did some yoga today. Not at all like I hope to add as part of my regimen, but it's a start.

3) The Diet: A plateau is not a bad thing. A plateau means you have made lifestyle changes and are not just 'dieting'. If you were just dieting that scale would go up and down on a regular basis. (b/c haven't we learned by now diets don't work). I am proud of a plateau. As long as the scale doesn't go up, who cares if it goes down?

Well.... I need it to go down a little more. I have enough wiggle room in my diet that I can clean it up a little more without having to count calories. Yet. Remember, I said I will not count macros every again, but calories do have a place. A big place.

Calories In < Calories Out = Weight Loss

That is how you lose weight. So simple everyone is so skinny and fit right?

I will eventually need to count calories, to re-establish portion sizes and control. Not yet. But it's coming. For right now I will tweak with getting better balanced meals, cutting out some sweets and making smarter choices a bigger percentage of the time.

We must keep evolving.

As I ran through Buckhead this morning I realized I could wish for the time I had before, wish for the flexibility I had before and wish for the recovery time I had before. Or I could adapt to my changing surroundings of having two kids and figure out how to live my best life at this present moment.

Good run.

umph.

how's this for attitude....I am losing it. I am about to just blow. For anyone who thinks I am just eating macros and spending time counting calories and spending hours in the gym, f-you. I am a real stay at home mom that got up all night with a baby, just to put her paci in but still...then she woke at 5:30am, then I spend the early morning cleaning up ants in our kitchen, then having to do laundry b/c you can't leave laundry down in our mold infested laundry room, then trying to get a baby back to sleep who wont go back to sleep, then covered in throw up 3 times, then heading to the grocery store at 7 am so I can get babyfood and diapers for the day, forgetting the sausage and having a zone bar and one link of turkey sausage for breakfast, then getting 2 kids (a baby that still hasn't napped) ready to drop kid off at sports camp, picking up the house, drinking my red bull to get my 20 mins in before a waxing appt b/c I am actually going out tonight! then kid won't go to camp, says he's tired and cries, so take everyone home, put everyone in bed, still haven't gone poop and have to cancel my waxing appt and gym will have to wait (as well as 30 other errands), now I am going to be dependent on my husband who likes to walk in at the very last minute if I have somewhere to go, to take a shower or get dressed.

(and this is just another day, I have still lost 57 lbs with this being my life).

I'm gonna try to go to the gym again later. good thing I got more red bull at the grocery store this morning.....