This trip has been slightly different than in the past. We'll let the subtle changes in service and focus of the resort wait until later. In terms of me, and my goals and meeting my goals, it's been a little different as well.
The reason for this trip is to refocus my life. After the birth of a child you give every moment, thought and breath to your child. At least I do since I refuse to get more help than I have already. One can only continue that pace for so long before losing focus on themselves. This trip is to remember that the better place I am in, the better I am for my children.
I am having a hard time relaxing this trip. Despite all efforts of the pools, ice cold towels placed on my eyes as I lounge in the spa, the massage and the serene environment. I cannot find that place I am so desperate to reach. Maybe I am forcing it too much. Maybe I still cannot get over the reason why I need this trip in the first place.
The treatment my husband is getting at home is striking. Since day one with my first child my belief has been that we are parents together. These are OUR children, not just mine, and anything I can do, he can do. I will never understand the mentality of the mother only giving bottles, making rules, doing bedtime routines. I may do it more efficiently and set the schedules because I do it more often, but I should always have the flexibity of walking out of the house at any moment in time and not having to give instructions as if my husband is a babysitter.
My husband in turn, is great at taking care of our children, full capable and makes decisions without having to consult me.
So why is it, when he has them for not even one full day by himself during the course of 3 1/2 days, has he received 4 phone calls to see how he is doing? one offer to pick up my son for dinner one night? and the offer of my parents to come up after taking my daughter for the night and feed and bath her again to give him a break?
Having the spectacular husband I have, even he commented to me "why doesn't anyone ever call you to see how you are doing?"
And that is why I need this trip. For 6 months straight I have done what he will never, ever do for one full day. Physically and emotionally he will never experience what I do. I used to think he needed to. Then I realized, that is okay, he doesn't have to experience it as long as he understands.
As long as he understands why I need a trip like this.
Writing this has helped a little. As a stay at home mom you can feel very alone, isolated and completely, utterly, absolutely underappreciated. A trip like this makes me feel like I matter again. Like my health and well being do matter again.
Thank goodness I have a husband that understands all this, even if no one else does.